hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
