i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
you are never too drunk for berry picking
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
