Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
