They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
