his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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