please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
