Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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