Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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