I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
