the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
