I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
