I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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