my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
