I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
