When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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