Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
