yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
