Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Four minutes until I can fart!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
