i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
