I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
