The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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