My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My dick has a subreddit
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
