Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Four minutes until I can fart!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
