hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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