A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
