I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
