Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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