Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
