Tell her she can't have a vagina
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
