thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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