He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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