Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
