My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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