thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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