My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
