Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
