apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
