I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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