oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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