All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
