god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
