I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
