How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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