God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
