You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
