I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
