It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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