why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
