I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
