there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Someone signed my nipple.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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