An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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