Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
